At night
A bad dream must have woken me with a fright. I pressed my hand against my chest and felt my racing heartbeat. I felt the sweat breaking out, moistening the fabric of my pajamas. One question echoed through my head, spoken with different voices, although I knew it could only be the voice of my friend, with whom I had talked the day before. Once again I was alone in bed, for Andrea had gone to sleep in the study, like so often during the past few weeks. The question continued to bother me, the question how much I felt for her, if I still loved her. A question that had taken me by surprise. I had given a faltering reply, realizing that I had lost all certainty and was no longer able to say how close I felt to her. I felt unable to remember and express my feeling. My friend's question had shocked me. I realized that it was the last step that I had to take before making a final decision. Slowly I sat up, pushing the duvet away from me, pausing several moments to bring my anxiety under control. Then I got up, trying to recognize the contours of the book shelves and the dining table in the darkness. Feeling my way along the wall, I crossed to the other side of the room, carefully trying to avoid stepping on the LEGO bricks which I had not cleared away after the children had finished playing. Standing in front of the bedroom door, I reflected once more and then gripped the handle. The door jammed, and it was difficult to open it without making a noise. In the end I succeeded with much patience. Andrea had switched of all the lights, and yet the room seemed much lighter, because the blinds did not shut out all the light and the neon sign of the café across the road shone through the slits. When a car passed by, its headlights cast my shadow over the book covers. I hunched together and put my fingers over my mouth. Andrea hadn't noticed anything. She was sound asleep, and I could hear her regular breathing, as well as a soft rhythmic scraping sound that was apparently caused by the up and downward movement of the mattress against the wooden bookcase. I tiptoed towards her and knelt down on the floor, trying to avoid or at least minimize the cracking of my knee joint. I leant with my back against the desk. Rhythmically, the quilt rose an inch or so, sinking back to its original position when Andrea exhaled. Her face was evenly lit; only under one side of her nose, there was a faint shadow spreading towards her hair. I saw the sleeve of her pullover. It had to be the blue one, although I could not be sure in the dark, and I knew that she was also wearing a thin pair of trousers. I had not seen her naked for a long time. A few strands of hair fell over her forehead, and seemed to be stuck to the corner of one eye, shiny with perspiration or maybe with tears that had not completely dried. Her eyelid twitched and trembled slightly, and just when I reached out to touch her head, she became all quiet again. Perhaps a dream, I thought, and I would have given a lot to be able to share here unconscious inner thoughts. The muscles of her cheeks were relaxed; a faint smile played around the corners of her mouth, a touch of irony, the wit that I liked so much about her. The distressing question forced its way up into my mind again. I tilted my head, trying to imagine Andrea when she was awake. I saw her expression in front of me and thought that I could hear her voice saying words that she had often spoken to me in the past, during the early days of our relationship. I did not want to lose this face. I felt my heart beating faster, hurting in my chest, when I imagined that I would lose her forever. Gradually, I managed to calm myself down again, still fearing that the revealing thumping of my heart, which sounded loudly in my ears, would wake her up. Under the blanket I imagined the rounded curves of her pelvis, but I did not dare to touch her, even though I felt a strong urge to nestle myself against her and feel her proximity. Only then I noticed that I was shivering from the cold, for the heating had been turned down, and I was sitting on the wooden floor wearing nothing but my pajamas. Cautiously, I got up. I started when Andrea suddenly took a deep breath, but she had only turned onto her other side and pulled up the blanket. I couldn't help smiling; then I left the room, closing the door as quietly as possible.
(From: Lose/Destinies. Translation by: Frank Loog, Netherlands)